There is so much acrimony and animosity in the world today. We are living under circumstances in which even typically rational people are pushed over the edge and act out. While it’s easy to see the cultural forces that are eroding civility, this generation is facing rising income inequality, political stagnation, anxiety about climate change. Civility is much more easily maintained when people feel secure in their basic needs.
This lack of civility in America today has eroded family ties, encouraged unethical business practices, and normalized a new brazen level of dishonesty in politics. Civility is at the heart of civilization, encouraging citizens to control negative impulses and place the common good, or long-term rewards, over instant gratification. Civility is the antithesis of “letting it all hang out;” it is the quest for calm and rationality, as opposed to inflammatory rhetoric. In other words, civility means understanding, and acting on, the fact that personal well-being and the pursuit of personal goals cannot be separated from the well-being and goals of others, whether members of our family, our friends, our organizations, or our country.
If we are to live in a civil society, it will require listening to others with an open mind and responding with an open heart. It will require knowing ourselves: our tendency to manipulate others, to serve our own interests first. Civility is learned at home by example. Children observe how their parents interact with each other, and go on to imitate what they see.
We are not born civil. We are born to grab from others, to hit the child whose toy we want, to have tantrums when we are denied a wish. Parents are the first teachers of civility, then schools continue this education when they use “time out” for unruly behavior in the classroom or on the playground. Civility continues in the workplace, where people ought to be treated with respect up and down the organizational chart.
Today’s polarization is not new. The world has always contended with warring parties, whether through arms or verbal abuse. But the internet has allowed for globalized anonymity. We are all vulnerable to slurs. And retaliation does not work; it only increases the tension, potentially escalating a frustrating discussion into a dangerous encounter. We are currently witnessing the cost of this loss of civility within our immediate environment as well as on the world stage.
There is another word which seems to have disappeared from our vocabulary: “Respect.” This word loomed large in my childhood. We used to sign letters, “Respectfully yours.” “Respect your elders” was a frequent admonition. I wonder if the decline in this word’s usage correlates with the loss of the behavior it represents.
People are expected to behave a certain way in front of others. They rarely have trouble showing respect to people in authority. However, it is equally important to show the same respect to one’s colleagues, and especially to one’s subordinates. Do we respect our suppliers as much as our clients? Do we show the same courtesy to the new assistant as we do the company president? Can we find a kind word for the hurried waiter or the custodian who comes after hours to sweep up our offices? Our present environment is not conducive for teaching respect. We are not taught to respect other people’s religious, political beliefs, or value systems.
Respect is more than polite behavior. It means listening attentively, taking into account the opinions of others, being sensitive to other’s feelings. Self-respect is an important component; we must first value ourselves before we can see the value of others, and thus reduce bigoty and discrimination. In order to gain respect from others, we need to show them the same respect we would like to receive.
Civility and respect are signs of true maturity. Let us resolve to remain civil and respectful, no matter what the circumstances. Be aware of what triggers us to spin out of control and to help others to do the same by projecting calm, attentiveness, and thoughtfulness; understanding other points of view, even when we disagree. The first step toward universal peace starts if and when all of us are willing to accept opposing points of view. There is little we can do as individuals about the present situation in the world, but we can be respectful at home and at work. Hold open a door, give up a seat, listen well, consider the opinions of others, make requests instead of demands, be patient, put yourself in someone else’s shoes, say please and thank you. Make time for these small acts of kindness and considerations, and people will reciprocate, making the world a more considerate, appreciative, gracious and respectful place… starting in our own backyard.