We live in a hyperculture: the internet, email, cell phones, and texting are all speeding up our interactions. It’s not only faster, it’s also more complex, leaving behind people like my mother, who, when asked to push a number on her phone in order to continue the interaction, used to simply hang up. I admit that sometimes I do that, too.
We tend to lose patience when our expectations are not met instantly; we don’t always tolerate people slower than ourselves. Hyperculture is not only faster, it is also communication-intense and constant. Our society is getting louder and more colorful. Even old black and white movies get colorized. I don’t watch anything live on TV anymore; I record everything so I can fast forward through commercials. I tend to scan newspapers or just read the headlines. Always rushing gives our days a feeling of hurrying to get to the next activity, but never feeling caught up.
Even before the pandemic, we were living in an increasingly narrow circle of friends. We would go from our cubicles at work to a commute to our gated communities. Our children came home from school wearing headphones, while we did take-out or microwaved frozen food. There were no hours spent in the kitchen with the children all helping with meal preparation and talking about their days.
What are the consequences of our hyperculture? Alienation! It’s easier to be rude online, easier to mistreat faceless and voiceless people—and the cost is less civility. Who pays the highest price? The people who are naturally shy. There seems to be a shyness gene characterized by excessive self-consciousness, low self-esteem, and anticipation of rejection, but, shyness is also induced by our culture and now especially by our hyperculture.
When we lose patience with slowness, the shy who take time to warm up lose out. When we notice only the loudest, the laid back get short shrift. As we become less polite and more impatient, the shy are the first to be excluded and even badly treated. As our lives increase in complexity, our level of anxiety also rises, and we see a polarization of behavior with both an increase in aggression and a loss of civility.
Shy people are often insecure and worry about how they look, what to say, and how to say it to whom and when. They need more time to warm up, to adjust to new or stressful situations. The number one problem for the shy or insecure person is starting a relationship. At a social gathering, they tend to compare themselves to the most socially active person instead of looking for people like themselves. They wait to be approached and believe anything they say will not be witty, perfect, or profound. They believe others are not only watching them, but also judging them and see them as lacking.
All of the above is true in normal times, but has been exacerbated during the pandemic. Prolonged isolation increases the difficulty for shy people to reenter the world, having lost the ongoing relationships and needing to create new ones or renew past connections. This also holds true for children who have missed out on early opportunities to interact and socialize with teachers and other children because of online learning. The older the child is to start attending school again, the more difficult it is to return to a classroom setting, adapt and know what to expect and how to behave. The result is retreating from social interactions and the more one retreats, the harder it is to start socializing again. Re-entry is challenging for a lot of people, but it hits shy people the hardest.
What to do? The first strategy is to remember that “you don’t have to be interesting; you just have to be interested.” In other words, instead of wondering what to say, ask questions, such as: “Did you see the news today about…?” “What have you been doing while stuck at home?” or something personal that would apply to the individual.
The best strategy of all is to focus on the other person as opposed to focusing on oneself. Instead of being painfully aware of one’s own emotional state, try to identify what others may be feeling. And, of course, practice. Get yourself into situations where you can start a conversation. Be aware of who is around you. If you find another shy person, reach out to them; they will be grateful. If you find it difficult to reach out to others, find a strategy to remain connected, which is much easier than being alone. Shyness is often a lifetime struggle, but it becomes easier if one keeps interacting successfully. Just do it!