When I come across an article which I find interesting, I want to share it with my readers. This column is based on the article “Ten Signs You Know What Matters” by Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D. (Psychology Today, September/October 2018); it was helpful to me and probably will be to others, too. I both paraphrase, take direct quotes from it, and also add my own thoughts and comments.
All of our functioning, our decision-making, and how we lead our lives are based on what we care about, on what we value. Our value system directs our priorities and motivates us. However, when asked, many people hesitate in describing exactly what values direct their lives. And yet if your behavior does not match your values, you can feel dissatisfied. When your values and behaviors match, you are most likely to find fulfillment.
Studies have shown that writing about their values boost people’s ability to succeed. “Writing for just 20 minutes two or three times” about what they cared about in their education improved students’ school performance for several years. I am suggesting my readers take the time to write about what is important to them. To facilitate this process, here are several guidelines:
1. “What do you have enough of? People who compare themselves to what others have more or less of are not as content because wanting more is often a bottomless pit.
2. Whom do you admire, and what are the qualities these people have? This will help you understand what you aspire to.
3. Think about your happiest times: what were the values that were important to you at that time?
4. What was your greatest pain? We hurt where we care. Why it hurts tells you what you value. For instance, if you have been rejected by a group, you may value belonging and inclusion. If you were lied to…you care about honesty.
5. What is the next chapter of your life? The way you plan it will tell you what you find valuable.
6. What would you do if no one was looking? So much of what we do is for self-aggrandizing” … Look at me; I’m so helpful/clever/selfless/talented.
We like to share what we value with others. Most people care about love, belonging, contributing to the well-being of others. Ninety-nine percent of values are societal; one can also care about the future of the planet. Sharing values makes use feel more connected.
On a personal level, one of my values is to be of service, but I have to be careful not to expect appreciation. I value sharing what I learn with others, which I do by writing this column, but I must be attentive to not seek compliments. I also value honesty and directness in relationships which has gotten me into trouble on occasion. Given our need to belong, we sometimes forgo our own values in order to espouse the group’s values.
There are values that remain constant throughout our lifetime. It is important for us to be aware of how some values change as we age. As adolescents we value time with friends more than with family; as we grow older, the value of family increases. Health is taken for granted in youth; we start valuing it more as we age. We value independence throughout our lifetimes; however, losing it through illness or old age may be very painful.
What societies value also changes over time. When I was growing up in France, polite children who did not speak until spoken to and sat quietly at the dinner table were valued. Today we want children to participate in the conversation around mealtimes.
Values set the direction of our life path. Values are a choice we need to keep implementing. It is easy to stray, to forget; we need to stay focused on the kind of life we want to lead, as well as to connect to meaning and purpose in our every day actions.
Not only do we need to identify our values; we must take a look at how closely our daily lives represent what values we believe in. It is not only what we say we are, it is what we do. This is where “actions speak louder than words” becomes the mantra of our values system.