A while back, a young woman asked if she could come over and talk to me. She reads my columns and finds them useful. I was happy to help.
She came over, and we both sat down on my sofa. I asked her why she had come. She burst into tears. When she finally was able to speak, she told me that her long-term partner had left her. I was holding her hand as she spoke. I told her I was sad for her, validating that being abandoned and betrayed are two of the most painful emotions. Acknowledging the legitimacy of pain is an important first step that includes being able to cry, complain, be angry, and have someone listen without judging. One needs a shoulder to cry or at least to lean on, a comforter.
I made the analogy between a broken heart and a broken back. Both can be unbearable and both may need therapy. I proposed a diagnosis: her body is filled with cortisol (the stress hormone) while oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which had been happily cursing through her body during her relationship, is now depleted. So how do we compensate for the loss of oxytocin while the body is on this drug withdrawal?
She had already taken the second step by coming to see me; in other words, seeking help. That second step needs someone who can evaluate the options, an advice-giver who is good at problem solving, a clarifier. I had questions about what resources were available to her, such as family, friends, and colleagues. She works full-time, but her weekends are free. We made a list of options such as going out with friends to meals, movies, and fun events, joining a group of young people doing community work, as well as solitary pleasures such as reading, listening to music, and going for walks.
Of course, this is easier said than done. She seemed resistant to the ideas I proposed. I explained to her that the more one is depressed—and in her case also distraught—the harder it is to reach out for help. She needed time to mourn her loss before moving on, but moving on is necessary. That third step needs an activity facilitator, a coach, a confronter, someone who can push her towards action. A person who will provide a pep talk: “Come on, you can do it; don’t give up.” The facilitator will push her to embrace that next step by taking action. It can be anything from making a call to a friend to eating ice cream, filing a complaint (if necessary) to taking a walk, going to a doctor (if needed) to going to a movie.
The three person therapy or “trilogy therapy” I was suggesting to her consists of identifying these three people, first outside of herself, but eventually becoming all of them.
1. The distraught person needs someone to cry with, to acknowledge her pain as being normal and expected under the circumstances—a comforter.
2. She needs someone to talk to, to help make lists of the options available to her as next steps in the healing process—a consultant.
3. She needs someone to compel her to consider all the options and start by acting on one of them—a facilitator.
The question is which option to choose first and how to carry it out? One option was to call a friend; then the facilitator asks her when she would be ready to make that call.
While these three agents outside of and within her work sequentially, they also work in tandem. This process allows the individual to take a distance from their pain while becoming their own advocates, or as I like to call it, consultant, and finally the facilitator to help implement the chosen activity.
This “trilogy therapy” is within everyone’s reach. It helps one be in charge of one’s life as much as circumstances permit. One incorporates all of these people within oneself and acts as each—the comforter, the consultant, and the facilitator.
As the young woman left, she thanked me, saying that she feels she now has a plan and that she could imagine the light at the end of her very dark tunnel.